A Black Swallowtail Butterfly

All I want for Christmas...
Our first Christmas.

Our first lonely Christmas.. and forever will be.

Phone calls nor webcams can fill up the loneliness. I'll just end up crying more. I don't want my cousins to see me sad, especially on Christmas Day.

Maybe God doesn't want us to be happy together. God, I'm not saying I hate you or anything.. I just wish for happiness.

My friends abandoned me.

The maid I trusted the most betrayed me.

God, I know you are watching over me.. You saw how many times I cried when Radu wasn't around. When he's not here, I have no one to hold on to. I fight ALONE. In school, I can't even stand up for myself. No one wants to help me.

But still, why have you forsaken me? Why now, of all the times...

God, I wish upon your shining star. Grant me happiness this Christmas.. For we will be parting really soon. Because of my maid, Ate Ging.

This is my Christmas wish.

I dedicate this song to Radu.. about our situation with Ate Ging.

BROKEN WINGS
by Tomoko Tane

I know this will not remain forever
However it's beautiful
Your eyes, hands and your warm smile
They're my treasure
It's hard to forget
I wish there was a solution
Don't spend your time in confusion
I'll turn back now and spread

My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings ,how far should I go drifting in the wind
Higher and higher in the light
My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings,how far should I go drifting in the wind
Across the sky, just keep on flying

The pain that cannot be measured, the flow of time that cannot be measured
Even if that may fill up everything
I can still feel
What falls from the sky is not the rain. . .

Did I ever chain you down to my heart'
Cause I was afraid of you?
No, I couldn't hold any longer
Love is not a toyLet go of me now
The time we spent is perpetual
Our future is not real
I'll leap into the air

My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings,how far should I go drifting in the wind
Higher and higher in the light
My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
My broken wings,how far should I go drifting in the wind
Across the sky, just keep on flying

What falls from the sky is not the rain. . .

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Mistake - THE BAND HAS NO NAME

Radu...
Radu just left the house. I regret not going to see him off... I really wanted to.. But this person in my house threatened that she would tell about our relationship to my mother. I decided not to see him off because of that. Because, if I go, she'll have to come along. I didn't want a bad atmosphere to surround us, let alone the pain of having to see him disappear in front of me, it'll just add up to the agony. I thought it was better for me to stay here. I just hope he'll be able to find a way to go back to his house with no problems. It's his first time to commute from my house to his.

The good side is.. He'll be back in a few days...

Gomen na, Radu. I really wanted to escort you to the bus stop.. But I was scared... Hontoni gomen na...

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Kimi to Deatte Kara - Atsushi Miyazawa

Flash Report! : Midge
Midge, or as I call her, my chubby Sasuke. Is currently having a hard time because of this girl who got mad because I was clinging to chubby Sasuke. I only get to meet her in school like.. once a week. While she gets to talk to chubby Sasuke 24/7.

Chubby Sasuke, I'm here for you. If you feel that no one can understand you, I will. Okay? Life isn't all that shitty. I'm here to back you up!

Current Mood: Midge, am here for you
Current Music: no sounds in this computer

Yusunari Kawabata, Plasma?!, Mango Float!!, DSL!! and My past with Radu
I know. The subject is so long. Just bear with me.

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Yusunari Kawabata. Author of books such as "Thousand Cranes" and "Beauty and Sadness". I'm currently reading "Beauty and Sadness".

But that is not my point.

My point is. That this particular author.. I find him so interesting because the main characters in all his books are in an affair. Really. No joke. I found it amusing that this person emphasises affair relationships so much.

This reminded me of the past. But, I didn't cry about it anymore. I did frown a little as I read one of the books, but ended up laughing at it afterwards.

Radu, I have recovered. I told you I have put Yuuri aside already.

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I finally got my mango float. But, they took teacher's sample from MY PIECE! That made me annoyed, but still, at least I got my share of mango float!

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WARNING : TO THOSE WHO DO NOT LIKE 'GREEN' TALK. DO NOT READ THE SECTION BELOW. YAOI FANS / YURI FANS ONLY, IF POSSIBLE. I WARNED YOU.

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Alert to all yaoi / yuri fans. I now have a new vocabulary word for you guys.

Plasma. It is a yellowish sticky subtance.

Do you get the point? Oh my god. I'm so bad.

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GREEN SECTION IS DONE. YOU MAY CONTINUE READING HERE NOW.

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I FINALLY GOT MY DSL TODAY!

Well, I'm using my sister's crappy old computer that's why there is no sound card. But at least DSL works. They'll be moving this computer to my sister's room tomorrow as well as my computer will be moved to my room. So excited to get my sounds back.

Thanks, dad for fullfilling my long time due request.

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I remembered how me and Radu met last year at around late November.. and I dedicate this song to that memory. Radu, hope you read this part.

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER
By: Gerard Kenny

I call you and you call me
It's funny how we get on so easily
We're just friends, aren't we?
You've got yours, I've got mine
And friends are all we ever can be

(But) We're getting to know each other
A little too well
We're starting to show our feelings
And people can tell
Everytime that your eyes meet mine
I light up like a neon sign
Yes, we're getting to know each other
A little too well.

We have lunch every now and then
And I find myself humming love songs again and again
Oh, and too many nights
I'm workin' till ten
And I hope that you know
That it's hopeless to go on when..

We're getting to know each other
A little too well
We're starting to show our feelings
And people can tell
Everytime that your eyes meet mine
I light up like a neon sign
Yes, we're getting to know each other
A little too well

Getting to know each other
A little too well

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That's all today. I wanna call My Chubby Sasuke..

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: crappy computer. no sound. no music.

Yesterday's Entry and... Mango Float?
I haven't heard from Radu today. Not even a text message. His other number, the one his mom uses, is on though. I sent a couple of messages to that number and still no reply. Maybe his mom brought it with her.

Just got a message. It's from his mom. It wrote : "Please message him later. I'm still using the cellphone."

I think the entry I posted yesterday had an effect why Radu suddenly wasn't his normal 'texting' self. We would RP through text messaging, cuddling and snuggling to each other. It suddenly dissappeared. Now I know that something is really wrong.

Everytime we go to bed, we normally say good night to each other before we slept. Well, Radu always sleeps late, leaving me to sleep before he does. I let him know, of course. But there was this message that bothered me so much. So much that it ruined my concentration in school today. It was something like this : "You can sleep. Go to bed now."

He doesn't normally say that. I knew there was something bothering him and I couldn't pick up what it was. I ended up asleep before the message came to the cellphone. Must be because of fatigue.

I cried a lot that night. Thinking about my ex, Takamura Yuuri. I can't seem to stop crying when I remember things about him. He's in the past, I know. I actually find it funny why I still cry over him and what we had. Even with all the trouble I went through, I never even got to see how he looked like. Not even a picture sent through my YM.

But, Radu..keeps me happy now. Happier than Yuuri did. I was able to see Radu and touch his warm, very warm hand. Radu comforted me, always. I can be very emotional at times, and he always understood why I was like that. Radu made me feel safe. Just hearing his voice through the phone makes my tensions go away.

Radu,

Thank you for mending my broken self. You taught me that, my life isn't all that worthless after all. Thank you also for telling me that.. I am a very loving and caring person, in Filipino terms, masarap magmahal. Yuuri never said that to me.. ever. That is why I am grateful that you are now the special someone in my life.

Aishiteru, boku no Radu.

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Anyway, enough serious talk.

Good thing I didn't bring my platic container today.

We were supposed to get the "Grahams Mango Float" we made the other day. But the Cooking Room was locked! HAH! And there I was, paniking here at home, thinking that my groupmates got my share of the dessert. anyway, I'm glad I still have something to munch on tomorrow. Definately, I'll get my share.

I love "Mango Float"! (and so does Xyza, my classmate!)

Current Mood: I miss Radu's warmth...
Current Music: STILL...! Jyuukyuu Sai - Suga Shikao

*jealous! fume fume!*
Taken from my ex-Japanese boyfriend's LJ:

"well, i've been saying a lot of "mizura mizura" a lot these days, while people don't know about that mizura thingy i was talking about. hehe

remember that girl avatar on my YM? that's her.. ^_^

mizura is a girl whom i bumped at school months ago. well not that literal bump but, we accidentally met on the gymnasium hall where she was a drama club member and i was a member of a school band. after that "fated meeting", we again met at my favorite restaurant down shinjuku.
days went on and i learned that she wasn't a pure japanese as well, since she's a half-malaysian half-filipino half-japanese. she's been staying in japan for two years (i can tell, since she always forgets a single japanese word everytime we were chit chatting) because of her studies.
she's boyish (yes, she IS that boy acted) and she got along with my friends as well. she kicks, punches and tortures us like she is the leader of the world and bullies me everytime since i'm younger than her.
i thought that she would be an ordinary friend of mine, or a big sister actually.. but i was wrong then.
i felt attractions when she suddenly visited my house and chatted with my female cousin. when i saw her smile, i knew my heart beated like crazy that time.. and then.. later on.. a deeper feeling came on.
i got so scared of telling her that she bacame a very special person to me, that everytime she was with somebody else i got so angry easily. yah, i was jealous in other words, but couldn't help it.
i confessed to her my feelings one day, and i was surprised to see her not angry with it. she also felt the same way for me.. so there.. ^_^

i can say that right now, i know that we are deeply in love.. since we are still together after two months of busy schedules and damn projects. but these things won't let my feelings stop.
i love mizura.. more than anything.

hear that right...
.. more than anything.."

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HOW COME I DIDN'T GET TO HEAR THAT FROM HIM BEFORE!?

.....

I mean, I always waited for him before. I waited for him to come back. I just wished he said that to me before.. Was I just something to add to his collection? What's so special about Mizura anyway!

.....

She's pretty.. and made Yuuri feel that way.. I don't even think that he felt that way whenever i was wasting me cellphone load just to be able to hear his voice and talk to him..

Cheska,

Remember when you said that before, when he was about to leave for Japan, that you saw his real smile...? I don't think that was the real one.. Maybe he was just amused because I clung unto him, desperate to be loved back. Maybe he found it funny, I don't know..

I have Hikaru now. But past memories bring back tears to my eyes. No matter what I do.. Gomen na, Hikaru..

Current Mood: jealous
Current Music: still... Jyuukyuu Sai - Suga Shikao

I'm still alive!
I want to say a big THANK YOU to my beloved Koi. If it wasn't for him, my layout wouldn't look so pink! *chuu*

I feel relieved.

I noticed that I kept on writing about me and Danah's fight in my reflections and portfolios recently.. and it feels great! No no, I'm not being mean or anything. But it feels good writing all your negative emotions into paper and letting my teacher read it. Since Danah doesn't want to listen to what I told her about TIGAS, at least teacher does. I just hope Dada will be able to catch Danah if ever something bad happens to her with TIGAS. As Mishi said, I did my part, so I have got nothing to do with it anymore. I decided to stay away from her group forever. I'm tired of this shit. Me always being the reason why bad stuff happens. Tch, don't worry, I'm out.

I had a heart to heart talk with Dada. It really amazed me how we talked to each other through YM. We haven't talked that way in school. Probably because Danah was there. It was much fun talking with Dada, and only her. We were free to talk about anything under the sun. That doesn't happen when we are with Danah. Thanks Dada for the chat. Really appreciated it. You're a real friend.

One question though remains unanswered.

Danah,

"Is it bad for someone to worry about a friend?"

Answer that.

Cosplay Plans:
December 9, 2006 : Ion Fortuna (Trinity Blood)
January 2007 : Cagalli Yula Attha (Gundam Seed Destiny) - tentative date

Current Mood: omg, I'm still alive!
Current Music: Jyuukyuu Sai - Suga Shikao

Bringing On a Heartbreak...
yesterday , i went to UST to cosplay and IT WAS MISHI'S BIRTHDAY !! we gave her a gigantic kumagoro and guess who i cosplayed , FUJIMIYA AYA !! oh well , the original plan was to do Naoe Nagi . but i wanted to do Weiss for a change XP . Mishi went as Tsukiyono Omi as Danah and Danica went as themselves !!

Last night was full of drama , Ken got mad because Yuki kept on talking about Hiro . Knowing that Yuki is VERY special to Ken , i started to worry since Ken was always drifting off somewhere . Worried to the point that i was already crying . Imagine , Fujimiya Aya crying ! w00t~ XD sillyness aside , i was really worried . Scared as well . I didn't know what to do to help Ken . Ken reminded me of Sasuke-kun as well.. When Ken and I were walking around , Ken felt dizzy and i had to stay alert because Ken seemed he could just collapse at any minute . there was this time we were going back , Ken faked that he collapsed and i was terrified to death . i told Ken not to do that anymore because Sasuke-kun is like that . He would not feel well when he is over-stressed and would just collapse .

But it wasn't dramatic the whole day . We went out of the UST campus to fetch someone . for once , i felt secure . holding ken's hand and all . i felt that someone loved me , like how i used to feel before.. when Sasuke-kun continuesly said he does love me . for once , i felt i wasn't alone . i felt that someone loves me like how Sasuke-kun does or did.. But it was shattered when Ken started to feel bad about Yuki .

All throughout last night , when i joined the Prince of Tennis group to fangirl on the vocalist group 'Trance'.. i needed someone to be with me . Sasuke-kun , Oreo , or just Ken . But Ken was with Yuki , Oreo was with his friends and Sasuke-kun is in Japan.. Once again , i felt alone . i felt more alone when the PoT group went home.. i found myself walking to nowhere in particular , going back and forth to where Yuki and company were . I felt like i didn't belong anywhere..

That night , i couldn't sleep well , Ken was bothering me.. in my head.. if it's possible , i would sleep over at Ken's house just to be able to chek if he was ok .

To be honest , Ken reminds me of Sasuke-kun.. i don't know why.. but they seem the same.. so all those holding hands , sharing of food and drinks.. i felt really happy.. it was like , feeling that Sasuke-kun was right there with me.. holding my hand.. being beside me.. it felt warm . It's not because of the clothers i wore , if you are thinking that .

I still feel bad about what happened to Ken . I just hope he's doing ok .

"furueru yubi de yume o kasaneru iki mo dekizu ni kuzureteku" (With a trembling finger, I gather up the dreams; without even breathing on them, they're crumbling.)

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: Koyasu Takehito - Epitaph

Skater Boy..
IN SCHOOL :

i got caught using my cellphone in school TWICE . at first , it was Ms. Estrella.. my heart went 'tha dump' . second , it was Ms. Arceo.. my heart went 'THA DUMP THA DUMP' this is actually the first time i get into trouble . i'm scared and all.. and trying to forget about it XP oh well..

BACK TO THE MAIN TOPIC

when i was waiting for my sister to finish her tutoring , i saw this guy trying a new skateboard move . to be honest , he really sucked at it . but that's not what i'm looking at.. i was in the car , listening and singing to the music when i saw this skater dude , repeating that same move over and over , all failures i must say.. but still , even if he was falling down over and over , he still continued .

He kind of reminded of me.. of how i was dealing with Sasuke-kun's Shizume problem.. knowing that they had.. *tooooooooot* and kissed.. i still accepted the fact that they are about to get engaged.. it's normal , ne ? even if i felt crushed at that time.. i still had faith in Sasuke-kun , myah~

hmm.. people are getting sick of this Sasuke-kun . ok , i'll stop here XD ja matta na !!

"kimi ni todokeru hazu no kotoba wa IT'S TALK TO MYSELF kage mo naku hibi ni ochiru" (The words that I have to give to you are.. it's talk to myself.. falling into an everyday routine, even without shadows.)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Miyata Kouki - Aozora no Yakusoku

Your MIND Is A WONDERland..
this is strange , Sasuke-kun and i are still together .

after all he said and done , our relationship is saved .

weird ? i think so too .

there's a new problem though.. HIS FATHER KNOWS ABOUT US .

that's why Cheska wasn't able to meet up with me , it's because his father got suspicious . they didn't even take a step on the 3rd floor . i kept texting the cellphone Cheska was handling (since she left hers with Sasuke-kun) , but instead , it was the Biatch father who was holding it . Which means , all the texts , he read it all . i even heard his voice . when i called the cellphone , there was someone who said "hello" in a japanese accent , and the voice was mad .

Tch.. he ruined everything ! i was supposed to ask Cheska to give Sasuke-kun a letter and a bracelet.. I even cooked Tonkatsu for her to taste it.. and tell me if Sasuke-kun would like it if ever i'll be able to meet Sasuke-kun face to face.. but , that's never gonna happen now , ne ? n.n

"nagasareru fuan dake o tsugeru yasashisa mo eien ni mitasareta ashita mo hoshikunai" (Even if the gentleness that tells about only what makes anxiety flow had fulfilled eternity, I still don't want tomorrow.)

Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Sukisho RAIN TRUTH Disc2 - THE EIGHTH DAY

Liquid Dreams
OMGWTFBBQ ?!?!?! I HAVEN'T UPDATED FOR LIKE.. A LOOOOOONG TIME !! Too much things to say..

Sasuke-kun and i are.. no longer.. it seems that he and shizume.. had 'lemon' a a few days ago.. and Sasuke's best friend , Juki aka Naruto , said that Sasuke was just playing with me and that he loved Shizume more than me..

it all started when Naruto said that he hates Prince of Tennis (because in Japan Prince of Tennis is shown first before Naruto) and for some reason he started belittleing me and stuff like that.. it made me cry.. saying everything that had happened between Sasuke-kun and Shizume.. it made my heart boil in mixed anger , fear and weakness..

last night i happened to pass by a restaurant named Shinjuku and i was like : OH MAH GAWD !! that's where.. Sasuke-kun lives.. this proves that i couldn't get it over my head.. him accepting Shizume as part of his life..

i feel kind of stupid now.. everything we had.. was a joke..? as Naruto said , Sasuke-kun just toyed with me.. AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT !! he wouldn't do that.. i know he wouldn't.. and i still do have faith in him.. he told me to wait for him even after the engagement.. and i promised i would.. SO I WILL !!

i don't really care what other people say.. that he's not worth my time.. BUT HE IS !! i waited.. and waited.. for him to even notice me.. i even tried to help him.. even though i sucked at giving advice.. i don't care if i was called a NEWBIE in this kinds of things.. i know i am.. according to juki , i'm stupid and weak.. and i admit that.. i AM stupid and weak.. there's no doubt about it..

all i could do is text.. there's no wonder why he would prefer Shixume.. she can cook , i can't . she's always beside him and ready to help in whatever problem he has.. while i.. i'm far away from him and the only thing i use to be able to communicate with him.. is a cellphone.. what kind of a loser am i..?

all my plans for tomorrow is shattered.. i already bought the ingredients to make Tonkatsu (Sasuke-kun's favorite dish).. just to find out he'll be leaving tomorrow.. i was supposed to give him a bracelet and a letter.. now , i won't be able to.. the hardwork i put into the bracelet.. and the time i put on making the letter as perfect as i could..

-sigh- i guess.. i was never meant to see him.. even how much i wanted to.. i could never see the man i love with all my heart.. who just recently broke-up with me.. i just hope that he is happy with his fiancee.. and they may live a happy life together.. because , i couldn't.. what i did wasn't enough to make our relationship stand strong.. i was too weak and dumb for it.. like what Sasuke-kun said.. I'M A NEWBIE .

it hurt me , but it IS true.. and there's nothing i can do about it.. he has more experience than i do.. i'm new to this stuff.. so it is hard for me to deal with this kind of things.. when he was still with Yuki.. i gave him stupid advices.. i didn't know what to do.. all i could do was stay with him.. and give him company.. even though i couldn't do anything..

i tried talking to Yuki.. but , i think , it didn't work.. i'm stupid.. even if my brain capacity isn't that wide.. i still tried to understand the situation he was in.. but i wasn't smart enough.. i couldn't even go to Laguna to see him !! tch..

one thing didn't change though.. i still love him for the way he is.. even after everything he said.. for some reason , i still do.. i don't know how or why.. i just do..

Sasuke-kun.. I'm still waiting.. waiting for you..

"negai kazoe mezameta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru boku o michibiku kasuka na SHIRUETTO" (When I woke up from the countless wishes , you are reflected in a shimmering illusion - the silhouette whose faint smile leads me along..)

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Takahashi Naozumi - Daisuki de Daisuki de Daisuki de

Mada Mada Da Ne.. (still not enough)
-sigh- correction !! SASUKE-KUN'S STEP-MOM WAS THE ONE WHO IS ACTING ALL BITCHY !

for once , it wasn't the fiancee nor the dad . it was his dad's girlfriend . feeling all 'i am his mother now' scolding him and all.. which is annoying.. >.> GRARR !!

anyway.. SASUKE-KUN HAS LJ !! yuuri_shuichi !! -clings to Sasuke- X3 mew !! -smooches- XD

oh well.. i'm gonna watch GRAVITATION OVA later.. i have to do this first duh ! XD hmm.. nothing much happened today.. so i guess i'll end it here.. n.n

5 MORE DAYS TO GO !! XD -excited-

WUVS YOU SASUKE-KUN !! -chuuuuuu- X3

"tsumetai toki ga yume o furaseru kono te no naka o surinukete" (The cold times make dreams fall like rain and slip through my hands.)

Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Gravitation OVA Part 1

Reloaded
hmm.. forgot to mention something !!

i cosplayed as Syuusuke Fuji yesterday !! Ryoma was my uke -snickers- and i was Sakuno's Ryoma in the beginning of the gathering -proudness- X3

and after the gathering , the whole family ate at OMAKASE in libis . people were like , "seigaku..? sounds familiar..." XD hmm.. interesting.. i found out that there was a type of sushi dish called "RISING SUN" i was like xaving my hands about saying "Rising Sun" that made the waitress laugh , i bet i looked freakishly stupid XD what can i say , everyone loves Fuji XP

ok , now for more recent events , shizume's being a bother once again.. well , she always was a bother anyway . shizume is going over-board.. about personal stuff and all.. sheesh..

6 MORE DAYS TO GO TIL I MEET MY SASUKE-KUN ! there's a catch though.. there is a 99.9 % chance his dad and fiancee will be there.. >.>;; bitches.. and i'm sure shizume will be clinging unto MY sasuke-kun like velcro.. hell , i should 'control my passion' and make this day fun for the birthday girl , cheska . X3 she's turning.. 13..? or 14.. XD oh well , i don't know what to wear dammit !! anyway , i have my Daddeh Tsuzuki with me for emotional support.. wait , or rather.. i have to restrain my daddeh from keeling the biatch fiancee.. XD oh well , as much as i want to keel her as well , i can't n.n -pats daddeh tsuzuki- X3 shinigamis that support each other , stay together !! X3 -smootches daddeh- O.O;; Mommeh Hisoka will keel mee !! AAAAAHHHHH !! -hides behind daddeh- ;_____;

XDDDDD oh well , darn , monday.. >.>;; oh well !! see you guys !!

"mayoi aruku machi no kagayaki wa GLARING ONE WAY kogoesou na boku o terasu" (The blazing of the street where I walk about lost ..glaring one way.. illuminates me as coldly as though it freezes.)

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Yuuki Hiro - DING DONG Kimi wo Suki ni Naru

Heaven Knows...!
first things first...

.........

I AM MEETING MY SASUKE-KUN THIS FEBUARY 5 !! AAAAAHHHHH !! it's cheska's birthday you see.. and i'm going to festival mall in alagang to celebrate her birthday.. haha !! i'm so excited !!

i don't care anymore if people call me a tomboy , i'm too happy as it is !! i just hope that Shizume isn't there.. but most likely.. Sasuke-kun's dad will be there.. i'm scared.. he's scary.. oh well , dun really care.. as long i see MY sasuke-kun !! XD

SHIMATTA !! i have to think of what to give Cheska !! sorry if i haven't been posting again !! was too busy !! and this entry will just be short !! XD see yah !!

"nigiyaka na hitogomi ni tokeru tsubuyaki ga ashimoto ni chirabatta omoide nijimaseru" (The whisper that dissolves into the bustling crowd makes the memories scattered underfoot blur together.)

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Six Wings - Miyata Kouki , Tomokazu Seki

Rumors..
let me put this in sequence .

first , my toe nail broke and made my toe bleed . We were dancing Swing , don't ask , it was required in our PE class . NicNg and i are partners.. i am the girl while she is the boy . At first , i was the one who stepped on her foot . Since i was wearing heels , yes , it was required for the girls to wear heels , so it must've hurt.. as we continued to dance the thinger , NicNg accidentaly kicked me.. at first i didn't mind it but when the dance was over.. i checked my toe.. it had some red stuff on it so i poked my toe.. but instead.. blood spewed out from it and it suddenly hurt.. i was like a crazy lunatic , clinging to the post and laughing instead of crying in pain . on the way to the clinic , i was all like 'NIG NG !!! -laughs all maniacly stupid-' O.O it really did hurt.. especially when the nurse had to clean the wound and put Betadine.. >.< gosh.. i couldn't walk properly..

Next , i asked Cheska about Sasuke-kun.. and this is what i got.. he looks like Hero Angheles.. only whiter and his eyes a little more chinky.. his hairstyle is slightly longer on the left side.. i guess he styled his hair that way.. CUTE !! anyway , he's slim.. and he is multi-talented as well . He can sing , dance , play chess , play the piano very well . Amazing isn't it ?

now for the biatch fiancee . she looks like haert evangelista , kind , they say , and pretty . tch..

ok , in AP class , Ms. Estepa was talking about female genitalia whatevers , i dun wanna know . anyway , i was just patting Hisoka's head and the teacher looked at me all suprised and said 'Carissa , why are you caressing Mishi ?!' WTF . caressing ? i was simply patting her head . green-minded teacher . well.. people started to think that i am a tomboy now.. they'll be spreading rumors about it now.. and then Ms. Hechanova had to make it worse . she called our attention when Mishi was just asking questions about the lesson !! TinTin then asked Danah if i was a tomboy.. it was annoying.. all the 'populer people' in our class started to talk about me and Hisoka.. what's wrong with patting a friend ? tch.. it all started with the genitalia shit.. i really don't know what to do now..

I AM NOT A TOMBOY !

"hito no omoi ga kiete kono hoshi ga iwa ni naranai youni kono yasashii uta de iyasareru youni" (People's emotions vanish.. but the stars don't become like stones in this gentle song.. It is as if they are healed)

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Miki Shinichirou - No One Sleep in Tokyo

Kimi no Soba ni itai yo... (I want to be with you...)
First off , my mom was really scary . My sister lost her cellphone in our neighbor's house.. and wow can my mom shout . i was seated at the front seat and her voice was like.. her mouth was directly at my ear but it wasn't . i was like.. 'what the fuck.. her voice volume is like Yuuki Hiro's.. when speaking , very soft . but when shouting / crying oh so loud...'

Sasuke-kun just sent me his last text message a few minutes ago.. he won't be coming back.. not until after the engagement between him and Shizume.. He won't be able to go online that often either.. this thing keeps getting worse as time passes.. i wonder why..

Why do i always get jealous when i see couples snuggling to each other ?

Why am i sulking simple matters such as this ?

Why am i crying ?

Why am i typing all these down in my LJ when people don't seem to care much about this ?

Why am i alive ?

Why am i clinging to him even when he has a fiancee ?

Why am i so hard-headed ?

Why am i a bitch ?

Why am i a fag ?

Why am i a fucktard ?

Why do i miss him that much ?

One sentence... I AM A FOOL .

"mune wo fusaida iwa wo kudaitara akai akai tsubomi ga sora ni saku no deshou hitotsu dake" (If the stone that blocks up my heart breaks.. a red , red bud ought to bloom towards the sky.. just one..)

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Yuuki Hiro - Mori E Yukou Yo

Sleepless Beauty
ok , i apoligize for not updating in days.. i was to busy dramatizing about my life .

Shizume ang Sasuke-kun's dad know already about me and Sasuke-kun , hence , Sasuke-kun and his 'wife' will have to go back to Japan tomorrow 3 am . i just hope that his dad won't give him a big punishment . we both don't know what will happen to the both of us.. but we do love each other.. that's what's important right..?

also , i went to Xavier's Sophomore Night last night . It would have been fun if.. there weren't so many couple's around.. yes yes i know , you should bring a date to Soph night or it wouldn't be a Soph night . -sigh- i just get jealous at them because i don't have Sasuke-kun by my side.. i'm not saying that my set-up date was a loser.. in fact , he is a good listener.. i told him about sasuke-kun.. he didn't move away or anything , but he listened . Even though he couldn't give me advice.. i am still thankfull n.n

by the end of the Soph night , me and my date were looking at some grade 1 kids' works ,which i found awfully cute.. wishing for the cutest stuff to saint Francis Xavier.. anyway , as me and my date were laughing about it.. i happened to see this guy.. DATELESS and sat on a wooden bench like the one in the Dining room in school looking all lonely.. i tapped my date and pointed to the guy saying : hey look at the guy . well , my date knows him and approuched him and asked what was happening.. the dude said : why does life have to be this way ? . after that me and my date walked around again . He told me what the dude said and i was so affected.. the moment i saw him sit on that bench.. i knew something was wrong.. i just didn't have the guts to talk to the guy.. until now , i'm still affected by it.. too bad we didn't see him anymore when i left Xavier..

sorry for not updating that often !! promise !! i will try to update everyday !!

"kitto itsuka bara no hana" (Surely.. one day.. a rose..)

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Da!Da!Da! [DaDaDaDaDa Mix]-Hoshi Souichirou,Takahashi Hiroki

Loving You.. Such A Hard Thing To Do..
hn.. i was invited for Xavier's sophomore night . well , my high 4 friend , Doreen , set me up with the dude . To be honest , he wasn't really my type , but friendable.. at least he is an anime fan.. n.n

next.. SHIZUME KISSED SASUKE-KUN .

..........

i don't know if he kissed her back.. but i'm starting to feel that Sasuke-kun is going farther and farther away from me.. day by day.. i feel that we won't last long.. Shizume is winning.. when i'm way far behind.. i feel so pathetic now.. when i'm here , trying my best to set aside this feeling of being just a replacement for Yuki.. we talked about Yuki last night.. and i realized that.. Sasuke-kun loved Yuki more than anyone else.. it really hurts , but i have to admit that.. i just had to.. he reminds me of myself.. i don't want to lose to that fiancee bitch.. but what can i do..? i am here in Metro Manila while Sasuke-kun is in Laguna.. there's little hope left.. still , i am clinging unto him.. having faith in him.. but if he doesn't want this anymore.. i'm willing to let go..

if it is for his happines.. i would .

"aa sotto nemutta aa sotto nemutta ano hito dake ga boku no boku no monogatari deshita" (Ah, I slept quietly.. Ah, I slept quietly.. That person alone was my... my story..)

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Koyasu Takehito,Kyoko Hikami,TOMBRELLA - Anata Kamo Shirenai

The Wind That Blows The Dove.. Is The Wind That Blows My Love..
Sasuke-kun arrived here in the Philippines around early in the morning.. he was all pale and in a wheel chair.. he would just stare blankly and he doesn't seem himself.. as what Cheska said..

what's worse is that.. HIS FIANCEE ARRIVED THIS AFTERNOON .

Bitch.. that wrech came to what ? Take advantage the Sasuke-kun is weak and go all snuggly with him ? Hugging and clinging to him all the time.. IT MAKES ME SICK . Yes , i admit.. i am jealous.. in times like this.. i couldn't be by Sasuke-kun's side.. i couldn't comfort him.. i couldn't do anything to help him.. all i can do is text through Cheska's cellphone.. i feel so useless.. i couldn't do anything in cooking class since i'm allergic to shrimp.. one sniff and i go dizzy.. and now this ? because of that FAG i couldn't study for my chinese test properly !! i have top cram it tomorrow.. my head is full of rage.. i might tear the chinese book apart if i continued.. mind you , i almost did .

though.. Sasuke-kun's fiancee seems perfect.. long hair.. long legs.. tall.. slim.. pretty.. while i am the total opposite.. i'm short.. i have short hair.. i'm fat.. and so on.. no wonder she was chosen to be his fiancee.. A PERFECT COUPLE i guess.. i envy her.. being engaged to a guy like Sasuke-kun.. she even gets to hug him and all.. while i won't be able to see him face-to-face.. he can't go back to metro manila because of the polution here.. he has heart problems.. so he has to saty at breezy areas.. like.. LAGUNA.. but i really do want to see him.. until now i wait for the picture he promised he would give me..

set aside the picture.. i just want him to stay safe.. and be happy.. but i start to think to myself.. what am i doing..? am i doing anything to make him smile..? am i helping at all..?

my answer.. I AM NOTHING.. I AM DOING NOTHING.. I AM USELESS..

"jounetsu no hana saiteiru no tooku hanarete" (A flower of passion is blooming... far , far away from me..)

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Yuuki Hiro - Senkaiden Houshin Engi Utage II

The Letter.. Finally Arrived..
(i am Carissa and Sasuke-kun is.. sasuke..)

uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:37:41 PM): sakura-chan....
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:37:53 PM): ..... -clings-
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:38:37 PM): gomen na...
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:38:47 PM): what happened to you..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:39:08 PM): it's nothing...
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:39:15 PM): tell me..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:39:24 PM): i've been worried sick..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:39:39 PM): i couldn't sleep..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:40:05 PM): i just fell down that's all
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:40:11 PM): er, collapse
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:40:27 PM): well, i am fine now
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:40:36 PM): having difficulties on typing though
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:40:45 PM): where are you ? at home ?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:41:23 PM): yah
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:41:30 PM): i see..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:41:38 PM): no really.. what happened ?
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:41:55 PM): what happened that caused you to collapse..?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:43:06 PM): they said that i just pushed myself over..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:43:13 PM): over fatigue they say
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:43:22 PM): i don't know
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:43:39 PM): you said you have work right..?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:44:10 PM): it's just about the magazine thingy
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:44:41 PM): hmm.. over-fatigue..? what have you been doing lately..?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:45:27 PM): i stayed up so late then go home at 3 in the m orning then i would go to schoo l at 7
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:45:45 PM): stayed up late..? homework..?
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:45:53 PM): why so late..?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:46:29 PM): a part of it. if i would not go to work any more, i wouldn't stay up that late . .
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:47:14 PM): i see.. why work.. i mean.. you still have to study..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:48:19 PM): remember? i am dad's heir to his business so i'm taking a part of it now
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:48:33 PM): i know it's too early for me but i have no choice
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:48:51 PM): i see..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:49:10 PM): but.. your dad must understand that you are having a hard time..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:49:19 PM): and you tire out easily..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:49:31 PM): he should give you easier work..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:50:01 PM): it's okay..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:50:19 PM): he is doing it for me anyway so it'ds okay
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:50:42 PM): you already collapsed just doing what it is you are doing..
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:50:53 PM): he should do something about it already..
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:51:24 PM): he already did
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:51:31 PM): he already made a break for me
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:51:57 PM): then my work will be every weekends only beginningg next week
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:52:25 PM): -sighs- ...but do you have time to you know.. go out and stuff..?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:53:14 PM): ah.. enjoying myself for sometime? i used to.. not anymore recently
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:53:27 PM): because of work..?
uchiha sasuke (1/16/2006 8:53:34 PM): brb
Carissa Uy (1/16/2006 8:53:40 PM): alright..

well , yahell acted up on me just at the right moment.. when Sasuke-kun went back online.. yahell disconnected me and when i tried to log in back , it didn't let me !! tch.. well.. i sent Sasuke-kun an e-mail about the problem i had.. hopefully he would understand.. n.n -sigh- just glad that he is ok.. well , partially hurt but still.. he's safe back at home.. i'm so relieved.. but i still hate his Dad , and i'll never forgive what his Dad has done to Sasuke-kun..

"dokomademo shinjitsudzuketai" (No matter what , I want to continue to believe..)

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: Takahashi Naozumi - Aishikute

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